she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Randomize
