I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
