So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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