1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
