there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
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