I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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