Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
