i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
