I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
