Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
