I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
