I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
