Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
