I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
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