some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
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