You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Randomize
