Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
someone threw a dead crab at me
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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