If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
