I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Randomize
