Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
this just has baby written all over it
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Green mimosas i think yes
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Randomize
