had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Randomize
