so explain again why im purple
no
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
