Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Randomize
