i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
