If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize
