I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
