Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Randomize
