i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
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