piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
Randomize
