I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
