So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
