You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
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