I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
