I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
no it's cool...i'm just drinking and studying...cool night
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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