She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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