i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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