you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
