can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
