i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
