she told me i tasted like america
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
