70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
