...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
