Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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