i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
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