so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
