sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
