I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
