Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
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