Betty ford says i'm here all night
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
