Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
