Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
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