I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
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